Do Not Consider Me Miles Davis

by tomsinram on may 26, 2011

It was Friday, August 7, 2009. Somewhat of a dreary day in Chicago, Illinois. It was cloudy with scattered showers. That being the case I couldn't walk to work as I normally did seeing that I worked in the Prudential building and lived in the Gold Coast. If you're not familiar with Chicago, the Prudential building is the tall pointy one next to Grant Park always in the background when catching a show at the Budweiser Stage. If you think my description is a little vague you'll know what I'm talking about when you go to the Foo Fighters this year and you look up to see a pointy building next to Grant Park with a big blue sign saying "Prudential" on the side. But I digress. So I couldn't walk to work and as a result I took the Red line down south to the State and Lake stop. I got into work on time and worked a half day. I remember being pissed at myself for not taking the whole day off and going to Lolla with my roommates and his girlfriend and a bunch of her friends. To be completely honest, I had every right to be pissed off at myself. Who doesn't love drinking with a bunch ex-college coeds and listening to great music? Instead I took the responsible route (which is very unlike me) and went into work for a half day. Little did I know this dynamic would make for one of the best Lollapalooza experiences I've had to date. So after putting in a half days’ worth of work which consisted of taking 45 minutes to get a bagel in the kitchen; bullshitting with Tommy, the guy who worked in the sports division for 20 minutes; reading on the shitter for 30 minutes; flirting with the cute girl that I wanted to bang but she had a boyfriend for 45 more minutes and then doing actual work for about an hour and a half, I proceeded to put my Lolla gear on and head over to the holy land to meet my roommate and the ex- college coeds. I got to the gate and at that point I didn't even care to meet anyone. I was so excited to be at Lollapalooza, I just wanted to get a couple of beers, listen to the music and let it cleanse my soul. I tried getting ahold of my roommate and the ex-college coeds. But the service was horrible not to mention it was raining and the water damage ended up ruining my phone. As a result I decided to take on this day alone. I walked over to the PlayStation Stage to listen to Bon Iver for a quick second because I wanted to get a decent spot for Ben Folds. I'm not a huge fan of Ben Folds but I have always heard he puts on a good show and I knew Bon Iver would be a little more mellow. By the time I got to Ben Folds I had already taken down an entire 24 oz. Budweiser and I had killed half of the other one. So I decided to go back to the beer tent and get two more. At this point I was drenched because the rain had turned into a little bit more than scattered showers, by this point it was a hard constant mist. But still, I was determined to see as many acts as possible. After purchasing my 2 beers I continued on over to Ben Folds. As I was walking up he was playing the cover "Bitches Ain't Shit" and I was immediately impressed by his poise. I began to do a little white boy jig as I always do and a few girls that looked like they couldn't have been more than 19 seemed to take interest in what I was doing. I began flirting with the best looking one because let's face it, one of her friends reminded me of what Lenny from "Of Mice and Men" would look like in real life and her other friend was just down right homely, to say the least. I got to know this group of girls pretty well and we were really hitting it off. So much so that I somehow convinced the Lenny look alike to be our lead blocker and get us to the front. So "Lenny the Linebacker" did just that. She pushed forward and got us almost to the front of the Budweiser stage. Once we got there I'm sure the people hated us because no one likes those assholes pushing their way to the front but they soon forgot. I know they soon forgot because one of the guys I met upfront asked me to smoke pot with him. After taking a few drags I realized I was a little bit more buzzed than before and I was in the ideal state of mind for a festival especially one like Lolla. By this point Fleet Foxes were playing across the way at PlayStation Stage and I decided to catch the show from where I was because I had a great spot for the headliner, Kings of Leon. Once Fleet Foxes were done it was about time for The Decemberists to come on and at this point the alcohol was holding my bladder hostage. I had been chugging so many beers I needed to head to a port-a-potty immediately. The problem was I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to the spot I had without Lenny. Also, my phone didn't work so I couldn't get that girl's number and I had made a friend with some great bud! So I decided to tough it out and see if I could last. Once The Decemberists came the rain came down a little harder for a couple of songs and by this point I was soaking wet. All of the water and liquids around me were not helping my urge to take a leak so I just let loose like a firehouse. This piss was the most amazing piss of my entire life. It was like one of those pisses that are comparable to an orgasm. When you release that piss it feels as though you were put on this planet for one thing and one thing only and that is to make sure that piss comes out of your dick as fast as possible. The best part about pissing my pants was that I could still flirt with the girl, smoke pot with my new best friend and listen to great music and no one would ever find out because everyone was soaking wet. It was the best idea I had ever had. Until the rain had stopped that is. The rain eventually stopped and I had been pissing myself for the entire set. What was I supposed to do when I had to piss now? Go to the port-a-potty? Fuck that. I was going to continue pissing myself. In between The Decemberists and Kings of Leon it was a little more than an hour break so we had some time to kill. "Why not smoke a little bit more?" My new friend, who had been to every Lollapalooza since its inception, said. "Why the hell not?" I said. He seemed like a wise older dude and I trusted his judgment. So he whipped out a joint and sparked it. The wise older gentleman was smart and handed it to my new lady friend first. She took a puff and passed it over to me. We passed it back and forth a few times before I realized I had to take a piss again. So I said to myself "What the hell, why not? We are all standing up and we are nuts to butts, let’s do a little social experiment". The older guy passes me the joint and immediately I start pissing my pants as he tells me a story about when he saw The Red Hot Chili Peppers. In the middle of the story he stops and says "Dude, are you pissing?" As I'm smoking his weed, I look him in the eye and say "Yes". Immediately the smoking circle broke apart and all at once I lost my new best friend, my beloved mary-jane and a 19 year old whore. Moral of the story... peein' yo' pants ain't cool.

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